California Bound!

Off to Los Angeles first thing tomorrow morning for a belated Christmas/punctual New Years with Mom and Dad and Grandpa. Much as I hate to leave Chicago behind ...

Los Angeles, CA
Current: Clear
Wind: N at 0 mph
Humidity: 69%

Tue

74°F | 52°F

Wed

67°F | 52°F

Thu

67°F | 52°F

Pink Christmas

Christmas has come and gone. The tree is still up and I still have carols stuck in my head ("Four calling birds, three French hens ..."), but the holiday is definitely over. The presents are open. The rain washed away the snow. It's time to replace the mantra of "Merry Christmas" with "Happy New Year." (Side note: though I am no War On Christmas paranoid Rush O'Hannity nutjob, I do say "Merry Christmas" not "Happy Holidays". Actually, this year I found myself, and a number of my other friends, popping an occasional Anglophilial "Happy Christmas". I know not why.) But before we shuffle into 2009, a Christmas recap from the Henry/Coleman household.

This was certainly the pinkest Christmas of my life. Heidi does not lack for feminity, but even she is taken aback by Daisy's overwhelming girliness in regard to color. Everything must be pink. A hint of purple here and there is acceptable, but pink must dominate. Her Christmas haul included a pink princess scooter, a pink bunny bike helmet, a pink Sleeping Beauty dress, a sparkling pink magic wand, a pink Hello Kitty doll, and a dollhouse (which isn't pink, but might be by the end of this year just from atmospheric conditions in the apartment. There is a wonderful slideshow on Heidi's blog for those who want proof.

The holiday itself was lovely. Heidi's mother Jackie ("Grandma") came to visit. Christmas morning we opened presents, then had some crabcakes for lunch, after which we were joined by Chicago's finest working actor John Luzar for more presents and a trip to the Garfield Conservatory, a lovely patch of nature I had never before visited but hope to see soon again. Christmas dinner was a brilliant feast of cassoulet with kielbasa, pork, chicken thighs, and bacon. I was thoroughly stuffed equal parts meat and holiday cheer.

I am a little sad to have Christmas gone so quickly (though I do get Second Christmas in two days - Wednesday I'm flying out to LA to see Mom, Pop and my grandpa Joe, who is 92.) But it was pretty wonderful to get to play Santa Claus. Daisy has been giddy with anticipation since before Christmas, and at last the day came and I don't think it was disappointing in the least.

To close, here is (what else?) some Japanese girls singing "Pink Christmas." God I love YouTube.

Daisy, On Etiquette

"When we drop things, we say 'Shoot!' We don't say 'Dammit'."

Christmas Vacation!/Justice League Christmas

I am done with work until after Christmas! Hooray for Christmas Vacation! (Granted, it's only a three day vacation, but I'll be damned if I don't make the best of it.)

I found this clip on the AV Club blog list of the Least Grating Christmas specials, songs, and traditions. It's pretty fantastic.



Also, here is a clip of Batman singing Hoagy Carmichael. Just trust me on this one.

Grindstone Cowboy

Well I've made it two days back on the grind. The first day was a little rough - I didn't bring adequate supplies to deal with the post-fistulotomy state of affairs and spent the last three hours in a very uncomfortable state. I wasn't able to get an official restriction from the doctor to keep me from having to do anything involving sitting for extended periods of time (I tried, but HR wouldn't let me resume duty with any restrictions at all) but fortunately most of my fellow supervisors are pretty understanding and accommodating when it comes to doling out assignments. Also, it looks like I'll be spending most, if not all, of the next two weeks on the front lines in my dealer garb, so anyone who hasn't seen my spiffy gold vest-and-tie combo, now's your chance.

For those of you not in Chicago, let me just say I envy you immensely. I can't imagine it being as cold anywhere else as it is here right now (-1 degrees, with an official 'wind chill advisory' of twenty to thirty degrees below.) Plus I got stuck in a snowbank as I tried to park and had to call AAA. To their credit, though they left me on hold for over thirty minutes, the towtruck was there in under an hour. Also, AAA has definitely trained their crew in customer service - every time I've spoken with an assistance agent, he or she has made a special effort to express concern for my well being, the frustration I must be experiencing, and a pretty genuine wish that everything works out for the best.

One last note - our most prestigious neighbor appears to have relocated for good. The barricades are down and the police presence is back to five or six patrol cars parked around the House of O. While the convenience of being able to drive on Hyde Park Blvd unrestricted is certainly nice, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that our days of living in a federally protected gated community are over. It was fun while it lasted.

Oh, by the way, here is a video of what I do at work everyday. Or what I would do if I was a little Filipino fellow, and it was 1986, and the only number that ever rolled was nine.

Evil Elf!

Apparently Daisy is auditioning for The Omen IV: Santa's Little Helper

A Christmas Favorite

The interplay between Bing and Bowie is weird - it should seem a little forced, since the jokes are corny and clearly paced for a laughtrack, but the two guys just seem really genuine despite the dialogue that's been written for them. And once they start singing, I think irony is completely banished from the world. I really love this song.

Good Times! (Psyke.)

"I went to bed with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair ..." So begins Judith Viorst's Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I used this book as my very first audition monologue for my very first professional audition back in ... christ, 1991? Anyway, I'd not read it for years, not until tonight when Daisy pulled it off the shelf as one of the books she wanted me to read before bedtime.

Today was not Terrible, Horrible, or Very Bad, but I think I would definitely plug it in the 'No Good' column. First off, I had to go back to work today. That set me off on a nervous foot. But I got it together and out the door, drove to Hammond in the early part of what would end up being the first real snowstorm of this winter, and presented my doctor's note to human resources stating I was cleared to return to duty. Except ... I'm not cleared. See, I asked the doc to put in a restriction that I not be forced to sit for periods greater than one hour. (The bum - she is so very tender, you see.) Well apparently, HR can't allow me to return with a restriction without clearance from the department head and blah blah blah Sean go home. I spoke with the doctor's nurse to get an amended note sent in, but as of 4:00 pm, HR hadn't received it.

So I'm pretty disheartened - I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about getting back to the grind, but my sick leave pay ran out a day and a half ago and I need the hours. Meanwhile, as the snow continues to accumulate, my car has gone from making an unpleasant noise to making an unpleasant noise and wobbling and riding uncharacteristically turbulently. I stop at the BP, check the tires (which are all oddly low), fill up with air, and get back on the road to little improvement. So with an unexpected day off, I head for the auto shop.

Guess who needs two new spindles? And of course, it won't be ready until sometime tomorrow (I guess later today - it's quarter of 3 am as I write this.) But good thing I brought it in, because apparently my if those things broke, bad things happen.

So now I'm chock full of anxieties - if my doctor gets the note in to HR before I'm scheduled to start, technically, I need to be there and start working. And to get there, I'm going get up buttcrack early to go rent a car, hope the roads are moderately cleared, and stop by HR again to sign papers before I start at 9:20. However, I won't know if the note arrived until HR people show up for work and look in their fax machine ... which probably won't be until about 9:00. So I could very well rent a car, drive to work, and be told to go home again.

But before I get to feeling too bad for myself, I called Mom to check in and discovered that she'd gone and gotten her head shaved today. The first big clumps of hair started coming out last Thursday and she just decided to be rid of it. My dad's in California right now taking a bunch of his special ed kids to Disneyland (from the sound of it, it's not a vacation), so Mom's all by herself right now. Well, Aunt Treb's around, but apparently she had a nasty fall at work and shattered her elbow and just got out of the hospital. Plus she's Aunt Treb, so y'know, cold comfort.

Anyway, on the bright side of things, I look forward to having a car that doesn't make any noises or wobble or have a general air of impending doom. Dad will be checking in on Grandpa tomorrow, which is always a good thing - he's 92 and all by himself in Leisure World, so company is a boon. Mom at least seems to be feeling stronger (though she gets another round of chemo on Thursday.) And it looks like I'll be popping out to Reno for New Year's, so I'll be able to ascertain everyone's health with my own eyes, and maybe do a little song-and-dance routine to boost spirits. Auld Lang Syne, Lawrence Welk style. Or something.

Oh, and Mitch came over for dinner tonight. Besides being one of Daisy absolute FAVORITE people (she bursts into giggles just seeing him), he's a very pleasant chap. Anyway, we were talking stop-motion animation (while watching The Year Without A Santa Claus) and he brought up a clip he'd seen of stop-motion animation done with dice. I don't know if this is the one he saw, but it's one I like:



And since I brought it up ...

Happy Birthday Beethoven

Ludwig van Beethoven, born 16 December 1770

Disappointed And Cold. COLD!

I am inexplicably saddened by the discovery that coffee beans are officially not in the family Leguminosae, and thus, not legumes. Nor are the cocoa or vanilla beans. I used to derive such joy in imagining the kinship of my cup of coffee and bowl of chili. Now they are strangers. So sad.

In other news, it's a balmy 6 degrees in Chicago. I swear the breath fogged as it came out of my mouth and then turned into ice crystals and fell to the ground and shattered. Honest. It's Chuck Jones cartoon cold here. The door of the car was iced shut and I panicked for a moment thinking Daisy and I might freeze solid before I could pry it open. We made it but I think the cold stunned D a bit - when we got to school she was offered a cookie and initially declined. After a few moments of thaw, she reconsidered. Oh, and on the way to school, I think we were passed by the Obamacade, probably on their way back from the gym at Regents. So at least the President is staying warm.

Christmas Card From Tom Waits

Way To Go, Blagoff/So Long, Bettie

I got nothing fresh on the subject, I just wanted to get the word 'Blagoff' into the blogosphere and see how long it takes to meme its way back to me.

In actual news, Bettie Page passed away yesterday. We of the Henry household have long been fans of vintage Playboy and pin-up models, and have always had a special affection for 'Bettys', so this is a very sad day.

So long Bettie. Thanks for the mammaries.
(I tried to resist, honest I did.)

I Am Brilliant!

I keep meaning to share with the world my brilliant pitch for another Comedy Central news show in the vein of The Daily Show and Colbert. Basically, it's a point/counterpoint political discussion and interview show co-hosted by Al Franken and Ben Stein. The two guys are already friends in real life, and have real political credibility (Stein was a Nixon speech writer and Franken might very well be a senator soon.) But really the whole point of the show comes from my spectacularly punny title: The Mind Of Franken/Stein!

Eh? Come on. You're chuckling. Admit it.

Top Ten Records Of 2008

Apparently, it's that time. The AV Club list is up, so that's my cue to chime in.

1. Fate, Dr Dog
2. Dear Science, TV On The Radio
3. Dig!!! Lazarus, Dig!!!, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
4. Stay Positive, The Hold Steady
5. The Bake Sale EP, The Cool Kids
6. Flight Of The Conchords, Flight Of The Conchords
7. Acid Tongue, Jenny Lewis
8. Narrow Stairs, Death Cab For Cutie
9. Vampire Weekend, Vampire Weekend
10. Chinese Democracy, Guns N Roses

As always, there's no accounting for taste. I listened to a lot of great music this year and could easily make a top 20 list, but that just starts to get all-encompassing and takes the fun out. It was a really interesting year too - a lot of bands and artists that I've enjoyed in the past popped up this year with really good new albums: AC/DC, Erykah Badu, Portishead, Metallica, R.E.M., The Magnetic Fields, The GZA, The Breeders, The Tossers ... only the Elvis Costello's Momofuku was really disappointing. Of the nostalgia acts, Guns N Roses was the most exciting for me. I really expected it to be awful and was taken aback by how much I enjoyed it.

Three of my favorite things I listened to this year, I disqualified (mostly to make room on the list for other things): Patton Oswalt's Werewolves & Lollipops (discounted because it's a stand-up record, not music), Nico Muhly's Mothertongue (because it just didn't belong amidst all the pop records) and the NPR concert podcast of Tom Waits' "Glitter & Doom" tour, which is still available for free on iTunes under the NPR: Live Concerts From All Songs Considered Podcast.

Anyway, stay tuned, as I'm sure the Luzar Review will be posting it's annual year-end best-of list soon. And as always, feel free to chime in with a list of your own.

Orders From The Chief

"Baba, you go get some pink kitty boots, ok? Right now."

Needless to say, I did.

Move Over, Christopher Buckley

There's Even A Feather In It

We went to Target yesterday to pick up some necessities (oxyclean, sparkly red shoes, cowboy pajamas) and I finally broke down and bought a hat. A green felt Tom Landry number. I'm pretty pleased with it.

I'm concerned, however, that, in addition to cowboy boots, my J. Peterman topcoat, and the Musketeer facial hair, the hat may be one affectation too many. Nevertheless, I can't bring myself to part with it, or with any of the others, so I believe the only option is to go in the opposite direction and pick up even more borderline ridiculous accessories. Here are some of my current ideas:

• cane
• monocle
• pocket watch
• pipe
• checkered pants
• briefcase (presumably filled with snacks)
• Segway
• spurs
• fez
• eyepatch
• parrot
• bodyguard named Ribeye
• pot-bellied pig

And of course, I'm always open to suggestion.

31 Potential Brides

31 People I Would Marry With Little To No Hesitation:

1. Carla Bruni
   
2. Tina Fey
3. Michelle Obama
4. Jhumpa Lahiri
5. Sarah Vowell
6. Kristin Gore
7. Kristen Bell
8. Marisha Pessl
9. Jenny Lewis
10. Queen Rania Al Abdullah
    
11. Doris Kearns Goodwin
12. Chelsea Clinton
13. Portia De Rossi
    
14. Poppy Z. Brite
15. Isla Fisher
    
16. Neko Case
17. Tina Brown
18. J.K. Rowling
    
19. Marguerite Moreau
20. John Slattery
21. Kelly Link
22. Elizabeth Banks
    
23. Grant Achatz
24. Helen Mirren
25. Leisha Hailey
    
26. Kristen Schaal
27. Stephen Colbert
28. Marjane Satrapi
29. Gabrielle Union
30. Sabrina Lloyd
31. Ellen DeGeneres

Ass Surgery.

I have officially undergone my first real surgery. Last March I had an examination under anesthesia and a non-surgical procedure where a drain was temporarily put in, but it wasn't really a surgery. Today I had the full deal, complete with top notch painkillers and an unexpected shave.

The surgery in question was a procedure called a fistulotomy. Though some of you may think that 'Fistula' sounds like the name of a sexually deviant He-Man villain, it is in fact a medical condition. To use the Wikipedia summation, a fistula is "an abnormal connection or passageway between two epithelium-lined organs or vessels that normally do not connect." They can pop up in sinuses, your brain, lungs, blood vessels, and, yes, the anus. Whee!

So today my dad (generously on loan from the Judi Henry Foundation of Reno, NV) took me to the hospital where I got to surrender my clothes, put on booties and a shower cap, get IV'd and gassed and have my bum tinkered with for a couple of hours. And they didn't even buy me dinner, kids. At least I got some party favors: a sitz bath, five yards of gauze and a prescription for hydrocodone (score!)

I am very grateful to have Dad here. The Henrys have definitely had their fill of hospitals this year, as all three of us have had surgery. At least the dogs made it through 2008 unscathed. Heidi has also been wonderfully supportive and considerate. She got lucky enough to spend the most hectic week of the fall quarter juggling a houseguest, a three-year-old with a fever, and a 30-year-old on painkillers.

And finally I am here to testify that the best medicine in the world is not laughter or penicillin or your love (which, let's be honest, is more like bad medicine), but the smile of my darling Daisy girl. I went from groggy post-anesthesia Baba to alert pre-dance party Baba in a heartbeat as she got home from school. If you do not have a charming young girl who loves princesses and crab rangoons to cheer you up when you are down, comfort you when you are sick or poke your eyelids when you are sleeping, then you, my friend, are missing out.

That's all I got - I'm starting to feel a slight throbbing, which means only one thing: time for more drugs!

Tryptophantastic!

Well another Thanksgiving has rolled by and I am, as a good patriotic American, stuffed full of turkey (not to mention mashed potatoes, bacon apple sage dressing, brussel sprouts, and more gingerbread cookies than ought be legal.) John Luzar (now 100% Zorro-free!) came over to join me and Heidi and Daisy for a magnificent meal, prepared by Chef Mama, Sous Chef Daisy and garbage boy Baba. We cracked open the wine and fancy beer (Three Floyds Dark Lord for Mama, Baba & John, IBC Root Beer for Daisy), relaxed, ate, and enjoyed the improvisational oratory of Marguerite Booth Coleman.

I have spent a great deal of time worrying these past weeks. I've been anxious at work about layoffs, cut hours, and the slipping toke rate. I'm finding it harder and harder to even open the LSAT prep book, much less take a serious look at available schools and programs. But these are fundamentally solvable issues that are being compounded by anxiety. Tonight, in fact all day today, was a wonderful and much-needed break from stress and a chance to start putting things in perspective.

I haven't shared this with too many people, but my mom had a malignant tumor removed from her breast last month and had her first round of chemotherapy yesterday. So far, everything is going along smoothly - the operation was very successful and the chemo has yet to prove anything but time-consuming. I know it will get much worse for her, but I'm celebrating the good days as they happen to try and keep everyone's spirits high.

Anyway, I'm immensely thankful for my family, and that's Mom and Dad and Heidi and Daisy and John and Bee and my many, many friends. I'm a very lucky man to be loved so and to have to many people to love back.

Also, I am thankful that my mustache is so awesome.

Fat Jack & Co.

Pictured:

1. Fat Jack
2. Thin Lena
3. Tall Paul
4. Cricket Lance
5. Little Dorothy

Very useful information when applying gloves

For Mitch

Snidely Whiplash
(see the resemblance?)

Stalin!

Well apparently 'Bob' has opened the floodgates. Now everytime I go to work I seem to pick up a bare minimum of three new nicknames. The thing is, each and every one of them has been prompted by the same thing: the mustache (and to a lesser extent, the little beard.) Here is the current roll call of sobriquets de coiffure:

• Shakespeare
• Robin Hood
• Wyatt Earp
• Buffalo Bill
• Bill The Butcher
  
• D'artagnan
• Rollie Fingers
• Snidely Whiplash
• Jack Sparrow
• Johnny Depp
• Matthew Broderick (Apparently I look like his character from Glory)
• Col. Sanders
• Guy Fawkes
• Stalin (though I'm pretty sure he was thinking of Lenin)

D'artagnan is my favorite, only because I got it three times in the space of two days.

Bob

Of all the nicknames I have had over the years (Sean Sean, Seany, Seaners, Seanburger, Smuh, SMH, Big SMH, SMGdH, Shakespeare, Professor, Bean, Seen, Mean Bean Dinosaur Sean) and all the nicknames I have wished I had (Hap, Huck, Cap, Reb, Hank, The Kansas City Kid), never once did it cross my mind that someone would call me 'Bob'. Yet today, Daisy said to me, "My Mommy is also named Mom and my Baba is Bob." So there you have it. Hello, my name is Sean Michael Henry, but you may call me Bob.

The Manhattan Rhapsody

Hands down, my favorite cocktail is the Manhattan. Shall I tell you the many reasons I love this beverage so?

• It takes effort to make. Mixing a Manhattan takes me about twice as long as making a martini (splash vermouth, pour gin, pop in olive, done!). The more elaborate process of Manhattan mixing means more time for anticipation, plus more time to feel like a bartender.
• It's open to variations. Bourbon, rye or blended whiskey? 2:1 whiskey to vermouth, or vice versa? Angostura or orange bitters? Perfect or standard? My personal favorite recipe: 2 oz Baker's bourbon, .5 oz sweet vermouth, .5 oz dry vermouth, 3 dashes Angostura bitters, shaken gently. Prior to pour, rinse glass with a particularly peaty single malt Scotch (or as I did tonight, Suntory Yamazaki) 'Rinsing' is a delightfully extravagant technique I picked up in Esquire, probably the best source of preposterously indulgent cocktail development tips.
  
• It's beautiful. I can't think of anything else I can put in a glass and hold up to the light that seems quite as warm, alluring, philosophical and sexy simultaneously as a Manhattan. It's not as sharp as the martini, not as airy as the cosmopolitan ... Every time I take a first sip of a Manhattan, there's a piano tinkling gently in the background. I slip into a kind of brief, comfortable solitude that is alone, but not at all lonely.
• It's intoxicating - literally moreso than figuratively, despite the previous bullet point. I don't think anything puts me in a 'happy drunk' mode more than a Manhattan.
• It comes with dessert. Like an inverse ice cream sundae, it has a cherry on the bottom.
  

Tigers & Strawberries

Well I am still employed. A noticeable number of my workplace colleagues, however, are not; though I only mostly have second-hand word right now, it looks like about twenty people from my department have been let go. I spent my whole shift yesterday trying to make the best of things while under a palpable cloud of dread. Halfway through the day someone asked me why I was still smiling and laughing and the only thing I could come up with was that zen fable about the strawberries. You know, the soldier is running from the enemy and the only escape is over a precipice. He jumps over and grabs a vine growing out of the side of the cliff. As he's about to start his descent, he hears a roar, and looks down to see a tiger. Clinging for life to the vine, he looks to his left and sees a strawberry on the vine next to him. With certain death above and below, the only thing to do is enjoy the strawberries.

Still not fired!

Here's some shocking news: when the big news is "Economy in crisis!", oddly, most people's first instinct is not to go running to the casino. I would've suspected otherwise, but if the election has taught us anything, it's that the American people are not as stupid as I generally believe them to be.

So business at work is down. A lot. And though we were expecting a drop off in attendance following our grand opening two months ago, I don't think anyone foresaw it plummeting this much. This has translated into a really tense air in the workplace - no one has been "laid off" yet technically, but people are being "repositioned" (ie, demoted), hours are being cut, the random drug tests are now a weekly event, and everyone is sweating bullets.

I got the news today that my hours are being cut by 25%. That's a hefty chunk of change. I'm not sure I can afford to keep the goatee.

I may be looking for some extra part time work, if anyone has any ideas. I can only sell so much blood.

But, in the plus column, I haven't been fired. My hours have not been cut 100%. And as they say ...

Z!

Just saw Lifeline Theatre's delightful production of The Mark Of Zorro at the Theatre Building. It's a remount production, but as part of it's remounting it has a significantly higher concentration of Luzar than any other show in Chicago at the moment. Since my best friend is in it, I'd have to recommend you go see it even if it weren't any good. Fortunately, it's a hell of a lot of fun, so I can recommend it without qualm. And Johnboy is as fabulously boisterous as I've gotten to see him, so that's an extra bonus.

If you enjoy romance, comedy, and a good swashbuckle as much as me, then this is a show for you.

Victory!

"Hot Damn Sam!"

Thus spake my mamacita, a proud resident of Nevada which I am delighted to say absolutely crushed for Obama. Missouri, my home state, whose state song the Missouri Waltz reminisces fondly about being a pickaninny, came within two-tenths of a percent of going for Obama.

It's felt really special to be even a tiny part of this event. I have plenty of friends who've actually done really intense campaigning (Jon Ryan Quinn, Nevada thanks you) while I've sat on my bum, but just living in Chicago, and even moreso Hyde Park, has made me feel really close to the whole thing. But I guess we all have our reasons to feel close to it. Last night it didn't really strike me just how momentous an event this is, but this morning, seeing his face in the paper, and the words "Mr President", it really sunk in.

I was immensely disheartened that night in 2000, mostly just the fact that it was even close, that half the country could even consider such a wretched imbecile a better candidate for the job than Al Gore really, really brought me down. Then I kept holding out hope during the recount ... I remember seeing in the paper that it had been halted and I just couldn't believe it. I felt really crushed then, and I've been pretty apathetic ever since.

But this is really getting to me, and I think it's really getting to everyone. At work today there were a whole lot of people with extra spring in their steps - and given the pall that's been cast over my workplace lately, I think a little extra spring is a pretty impressive feat (note to Mom: The link between "spring in step" and "feat" was not an intentional pun, though if it works for you, rock on.)

I'm really happy to be raising a little girl in this country right now, and honestly, I'm really proud to be American today, probably for the first time in my lifetime.

Also, I'm really enjoying getting to talk about My Neighbor The President.

Suitable for Twirling

Did I mention that I grew facial hair?

I hate waiting.

"I'm like a ten-year-old at Christmas. Only there's a possibility that instead of presents, I'll get waterboarded. For four years." - John Luzar, on tomorrow

At least 538 has dropped McCain's win probability to 1.9% ... still, I can't relax. Argh.

Holiday Redistribution

This year's Halloween had exceptionally pleasant weather, and with daylight savings not hitting till November, there was daylight for most of the trick or treating period. However, in times past this has not been so - it's dark and rainy and cold (kids have to wear coats over costumes and girls can't prance about it just lingerie.) So despite this year's pleasantness, I am reminded of one of my favorite rants: Sean's Great Plan For Holiday Redistribution*. In the event that I become Emperor Of These Great United States, I will restructure the calendar thusly:

• April 1st - New Year's Day: That's right, I'm moving the start of the New Year. Wouldn't you much rather think of the new year beginning in the spring than in the middle of winter? The pagans had it right; as the rains fall and the flowers bloom, so shall we begin anew.
• March/April - Easter: The good old moveable feast is hard to pin down. Under the Seanhenrian calendar, then, it gets to be either the first important holiday of the new year or the last important holiday of the previous year. Depending on how things fall, there may be years with two Easters and years with none. Won't that be fun? I think so.
• July 4 - Independence Day: This one's hard to move ("September 12 - 4th of July"?), and early July is a great time for a barbecue and fireworks, so it can stay.
• August 25 - Halloween: If there's any down side to moving Halloween to the summer, it's that pumpkins won't quite be in season. I think it's worth it for the sexy vampire costumes. We can still make jack-o-lanterns for Dia De Los Muertos.
• September 1 - Labor Day: Again, good time for barbecue, plus we need to know when to stop wearing white.
• Last Thursday In October - Thanksgiving: Bumping up Thanksgiving keeps it in the fall (where we all really expect to to be, every year) and out of the winter (where it always ends up being, much to everyone's dismay). Thanksgiving under my plan also gets significant breathing room from Christmas, thus making the idea of getting together with family much more palatable (you won't have to see them again for four months!)
• November 1 - El Dia De Los Muertos: In case you have left over Halloween decorations.
  
• December 25 - Valentines Day: The early portion of the winter is far more romantic than the end. By February, everyone is stir crazy and sick of slush and gray skies - who's up for love? But in December, snow is just starting to fall, fireplaces are getting lit, and everyone has new blankets. This is the time for Valentines.
• January 1 - April Fool's Day: And yes, we're still calling it April Fool's Day.
  
• February 28 - Christmas Day: Now, at the tail end of winter, when you can't stand it anymore, now is the time for Santa Claus and presents. Now is the time to haul out the holly and put up the tree before our spirits fall so far they need one of those junkyard car magnets to pull them up again. And now, spaced out from Thanksgiving, family will be a warm comfort in the cold times. BONUS: Every four years, February 29 gets to be part of DOUBLE CHRISTMAS. I don't know what kind of new traditions will spring from this, but I think it's worth giving it a shot.

So that's the plan. A realigned year. Clearly I know better than the generations of others who've come before me, so let's get on this. I hate to end the year on St Patrick's Day, so let's move it to, I don't know, September 12. That seems like a good day for drinking.

Hand-Harvested By A Friend Of The Chef

Best Disambiguation Ever

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Hughes

I Want You To DIG!!!

Still playing catch-up on this blog, so I thought I'd tune out the debate for a minute and post a few updates.

First off, I had my first ever colonoscopy today. The build up sucked - I spent two days on a 'clear liquid' diet and had to take laxatives both last night and this morning - but the procedure itself was not that bad. Granted, I was partially anesthetized and had delicious, delicious oxygen going straight up my nose, so probably you could've stuck bamboo shoots up my eyelids and I don't know that I would've complained too much. Ultimately, I don't have any polyps and the preliminary report is that things look clear of Chrohn's too.

Now for fun news!!! Monday night, John Luzar (currently starring in Lifeline Theatre's Zorro remount) took me to see Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds at the Chicago Riviera. And it was incredible. Folks, if you are not familiar with Nick Cave (and said Seeds of unscrupulous natures), I suggest you become so immediately. Imagine if the Velvet Underground had said 'screw you' to Andy Warhol and headed south for an extended tour of whorehouses and tent revivals.

The band is currently out promoting their new album, Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!, which meant the show was a mix of cuts from that record interwoven with their greatest hits. Here's a more articulate review by my favorite half of Sound Opinions, Jim DeRogatis. And if anyone is interested in delving headfirst into the magical land of the Bad, Bad Seeds, here are the top five albums I'd recommend:

1. Henry's Dream, 1992
2. Abattoir Blues/The Lyre Of Orpheus, 2004
3. Murder Ballads, 1996
4. Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!, 2008
5. The Best Of Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds, 1998

Here's somebody else's clip of the show we saw!


And here's "The Mercy Seat" (1988)


And here's "Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!" (2008)


I want you to DIG!!!

Correction

Correction: Rue McClanahan is the youngest of the Golden Girls.

Delinquint Blogger

Wow ... I knew it'd been a while since I posted anything, but I don't think I realized it'd been a full two weeks. And it's been an eventful two weeks! I got the car into the shop, Daisy turned 3, Ann Marie came to town and took me to the most exciting and fantastical dinner I have ever had, the economy collapsed, we went to the apple orchard, I saw Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, and tomorrow I'm having a colonoscopy.

Most of these events deserve more detail, especially the Alinean dining experience, so anticipate multiple updates over the next few days. Right now I am off to bed. It's been a day of clear liquids and laxatives in preparation for tomorrow's intrusion, so I'm not really in the best of spirits. But soon, friends! Soon!

... And Receding

Maybe it's still my birthday after all ...

I had to take the day off work as the Buick sounded like a screaming wolverine being dragged across a chalkboard whenever I stepped on the brakes, and the dash was lit up like the KC Country Club Plaza on Christmas eve. I took it in to my boys at Parkview Automotive (who fixed it up the last go round with the ABS) and in under an hour and a half they had it back in tip top shape. Well, nearly. The floors were still wet, so I made a run to a more high end car wash and had them super shop vac the carpets (and did a nice job scrubbing the exterior too!) I'm still a little suspicious that tomorrow morning the engine will drop out the bottom and I'll find a dead trout under my seat, but for the time being, I seem to be in the clear.

And as icing on the cake, I happened to stop by the Binny's in Hyde Park to see if they had the 2008 George T. Stagg yet. I was saddened to find out that my magical birthday bourbon had still not yet been released. However, the whiskey magnate of Hyde Park informed me, "we got a few bottles of the 2007 in the back." The celebration continues!

... And Rising

Clearly times are tough all over. While I wouldn't claim even for a second to be in the same state as the residents of Houston and Galveston, et al, I did get to join the club of lives directly affected by global climate change. Three straight days of rain finally led to massive flooding in northern Indiana, including the employee parking lot of the Horseshoe Casino. Yesterday I had to wade through about a foot of water just to get to my car. And unfortunately the wading didn't stop when I got to my car; there was water inside the car as well, about five inches. I managed to paddle the car out of the lot and into the parking garage (fifth floor, no chance of flooding unless a comet crashes into Lake Michigan) to prevent further damage but still had to drive home in standing water. Yuck. Fortunately, Heidi had the brilliant scheme to get the water out using the vaccuums at the BP carwash. Things are still soggy (and will mildew soon, I'm sure), and there's potential electrical damage, but for now it looks salvageable. Unfortunately, my insurance doesn't cover it, so I'm hoping the Horseshoe's does.

Here's news on the flooding: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-tom-skilling-explainer_0915sep15,0,326822.story

The Two Trilogy Club

Well the thirtieth birthday has come and gone. I've had a magfinicent week being stuffed with food and booze and lavished with gifts and attention. Thank you to everyone who came out to either the Office on Wednesday or the Brauhaus/Hutenbar last night. Friends are a joy. Also, not paying for stuff is pretty sweet too.

Oh, anyone who hasn't been: Hot Doug's is an amazing Chicago institution, and we are blessed to have it so near.

And almost a little bit somewhat peripherally related to my thirtieth birthday, here is the list John and I compiled a while back of the members of the Two Trilogy Club - actors who have played the same character in at least two film trilogies (or series more than three). Alphabetically, they are:

• Orlando Bloom (The Lord Of The Rings, Pirates Of The Carribean)
• Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead, Spider-Man)
  
• Matt Damon (The Bourne Identity, Ocean's 11)
• Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones, Star Wars)
• Michael J. Fox (Back To The Future, Stuart Little)
  
• Mel Gibson (Lethal Weapon, Mad Max)
• James Earl Jones (Star Wars, the Jack Ryan series)
  
• Sir Ian McKellan (The Lord Of The Rings, X-Men)
• Mike Meyers (Austin Powers, Shrek)
• Eddie Murphy (Beverly Hills Cop, Shrek)
• Frank Oz (Star Wars prequels, the Muppet movies)
  
• Talia Shire (The Godfather, Rocky)
• Sylvester Stallone (Rocky, Rambo)
• Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: The Next Generation, X-Men)
• Hugo Weaving (The Lord Of The Rings, The Matrix)
• Michael York (Austin Powers, The Three Musketeers)
  

That's the list as I can figure it best. Tim Allen is set to join the roster when Toy Story 3 opens in 2010 (already having completed three Santa Clause films), but no other real potential members on the horizon unless Cate Blanchett decides to make another Elizabeth movie. 'Tever. The list is posted and the floor is open for amendments and debates.

Ten Best Sequels Ever

I just finished The Two Jakes (1990), the almost-never-discussed sequel to Chinatown (1974). It was surprisingly good. It's no Chinatown but it's nevertheless enjoyable. Also: it's directed by Jack Nicholson, which makes watching the film just a little bit more enjoyable.

In honor of this odd sequel, here is my coundown of the Top Ten Sequels Ever Made*

10. The Color Of Money (1986)
9. Babe: Pig In The City (1998)
8. The Dark Knight (2008)
7. Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
6. The Road Warrior (1981)
5. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
4. Toy Story 2 (1999)
3. Bride Of Frankenstein (1935)
2. The Godfather, Part II (1974)
1. From Russia With Love (1963)

Honorable Mentions: Spider-Man 2, Star Trek II, The Addams Family Values, Aliens, The Bourne Supremacy, Batman Returns, Evil Dead 2, The Two Towers, and The Two Jakes.

Now, what did I miss?

*I have included only first sequels, the follow-up to the original. Thus, excluded are films like Prisoner Of Azkaban, Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, and Casablanca 4: In Space. Also, I have only included movies in English, and movies that I have seen.

I also enjoy quoting myself.

"That's absolutely true. If there is one thing I enjoy more than looking in the mirror, it's hearing myself talk." - SMH, 9/9/08

That's right. Just sitting on the ground.

I've had a terrific day so far - Daisy and I hung out with Heidi this morning, watched a bit of one of my childhood favorites, Pete's Dragon (it hasn't really held the test of time, but nevertheless), then we headed out for some lunch at the Med and a spell at the Bixler playlot where we saw Daisy's good friends Asher and Margot. Daisy and a new friend, Jayden, played in the sandbox for a while, "cooking cake and dinner and pie" for me and singing me "Happy Birthday" (a little early but appreciated just the same.) Then the clouds started to gather, so D and I packed up our things, crossed the street, found a $100 bill on the ground, and headed back to the car to drive home.

You heard me.

America - Fuck Yeah!

Fake? Well yes. Wildly entertaining? Also yes.

Best. Entendre. Ever.

The Info-Net continues to astound me. The amount of information available is so vast ... This commercial made a dent in my mind when if first aired six years ago. I thought it lost to the ages (who would keep a shampoo commercial?) But one Google search and here it is. I am actually a bit troubled to be a part of a generation so dependent on Google. I really don't know the last time I had to go to a library to look something up. Actually it was probably in the last year of college, 2002, right about the time this ad came on t-v. And on the subject of libraries ...



This is my favorite commercial ever. See if you can find my favorite part.

Sans Pachyderms

John and I went to the Bristol Ren Faire on Saturday. If you were invited and did not go, more fool you, because it was awesome. Alright, not really awesome, but fun. We saw the joust, we saw the swordsmen, we went to an dungeon with animatronic torture dioramas. We saw Christophe the Insultor, who was very entertaining, yet still overpaid. He had a magnificent racket: you give him ten dollars, he insults your friend. The more money you give, supposedly the more insulting he is, though this was not neccessarily the case. Then at the end of the show, one person in the audience is selected and the whole crowd is encouraged to pitch in. In the course of a forty-five minute show, Christophe pulled in about five hundred bucks, and while funny, a lot of the material seemed pretty recycled. But hey, I can't fault the guy for turning a profit and having a good time, especially since I only coughed up two bucks.

The wenches were a bit of a letdown. Not too many chicks in bizarre bondage gear on public display (except for one who outweighed me by a Daisy and was a good head shorter than me. She was the winner of the Least In-Touch With Reality Award for the day), the barmaids had lost the zeal they had at the beginning of the summer, and the only faeries around were fellas. I mean men dressed as tree faeries, not ... well, they probably were that too. One young maid did offer to escort me to the Pig & Whistle tavern, which was flattering, but I have discovered that Elizabethan style Virgin-white cake make-up with Cosmetic Mole is actually a bit of a turn-off for me, so I politely declined.

I skipped the elephant ride this year when Heidi and Daisy and I went for Heidi's birthday, and I regretted it, and I especially regret it now, as this trip, the elephants had been replaced by camels. Don't get me wrong, camels are fun to ride, sure, but there's no real sense of accomplishment from riding a camel. Ride an elephant? Now that feels like you've done something, like something important has happened. That is something that is truly awesome. I tell you, friends, with the voice of experience: never let the opportunity to ride an elephant pass you by.

Political Block Party

Apparently one of the first things that happens when you accept the nomination for president from a major political party is that the Chicago department of transportation sets up barricades and installs "Do Not Enter" signs at both ends of your block. (How are you supposed to get home?) Then they put up signs with a picture of pedestrian with the 'no' slash through it, which I assume is meant to deter both terrorists and bleary-eyed slightly-hungover men in sweatpants and red Crocs walking their dogs at 7:00 AM from loitering. I'm flipping back and forth (bad choice for v-p: Sean Henry) between excitement for having such nearby celebrity and irritation at losing my second favorite dog walk route.

Here's what my neighbor was doing last night:


And just for giggles, here's Tom Waits and "In The Neighborhood":

Ain't No Party Like The Democrat Party

Available as a t-shirt from Lucky Threadz

Nature's Gong Show

Saturday night I saw Aesop Rock perform at the Abbey Pub. This morning, I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree, land on a car and set off the alarm.

I cannot tell you which performance I enjoyed more.

A Short List

Three big summer phenomena that are just a little more exciting if you live in Chicago:

1. The Dark Knight
2. The Olympics
3. Barack Obama

Oh, and though the glory days of pro-wrestling have come and gone, it's still pretty sweet to have hometown hero (and Comrade du Lund) Phil Brooks, aka CM Punk, as the World Heavyweight champion of the WWE.

Rarr!

From sunny southern California, The Ladies say hello.

T-a-k-e-n-o-p-r-i-s-o-n-e-r-s

Going to see Aesop Rock on Saturday. Here are two demonstrations of why this is awesome:








The show is at The Abbey if you want to come along.

Profiles In Friendship: The Magnificent Large

I was asked yesterday how I felt about turning thirty, and I realized that I feel the same way about it that I feel about all impending birthdays: incredibly excited. I've known people who hate having birthdays; they don't like getting older, they don't like the annual assessment of their lives, they don't like the attention. I feel the exact opposite. I thrive on attention, both from others and myself, and my birthday is always a time that I can be unabashedly self-absorbed (as opposed to being unintentionally self-absorbed and having such behavior brought to my attention and feeling an ass.) And having a big birthday like thirty? You best believe I will be taking all chances to direct focus on myself.

And yet, I cannot be anything but stunned and moved when a friend lavishes attention on me preemptively, as has happened with my great friend Ann Marie. Though the Divine Ms. AML will not be able to attend my birthday party proper (Sept. 12th - mark your calendar), she will be making a special flight in from New York City two weeks later to take me out to dinner at the awe-inspiring Alinea. I am flabbergasted.

So all friends who are not Ann Marie, the bar has been raised. And for the few of you reading this who are not friends with Ann Marie, you should be, because as you see, she is the best.

Seriously, check out Alinea's website. Their food looks like it was designed by a chef-version of Frank Gehry who went to the future and had a culinary internship on the moon. And I imagine it tastes pretty fucking good too.

The Final Countdown / 26 Books Update

Well kids, it is twenty-nine days until I am twenty-nine no more. The sunshine of youth is dipping below the horizon more and more rapidly. Jerry Rubin said don't trust anyone over thirty, so tell me your secrets and collect on any IOUs quick, because you better believe come September I'll sell myself to the Man for thirty pieces of silver or a sub-prime adjustable mortgage first chance I get.

By the way, I've made it through the first two books on my alphabetical syllabus, Auster's Music Of Chance and Barthelme's Paradise. I have started to stray from the path, but only a little. After finishing the Barthelme* I was enthused enough to pick up the Donald's Sixty Stories again and finish up where I left off a few months ago. Also, while I'm hovering around 'B', I thought I might at least try the goddamn Da Vinci Code (Brown) since Heidi owns it and hey, might as well see if it's any fun. For my 'at work' book, I've moved into 'C' already, but am putting off the Cave book (which is a re-read anyway) for Harlan Coben's Tell No One, which came to Heidi as part of a birthday Cheesecake & Crime package from my mom. After going over my Goodreads account and my Facebook "Visual Bookshelf", I've had to make some adjustments to my original list, but I'm committed to sticking to this alphabetical structure, if somewhat loosely, because otherwise I just keep starting books, getting distracted, and setting them aside in favor of whatever new comes across my path. It's nice to have a plan. Structure = good.

See? I'm already sounding like The Man. Next thing you know, I'll be promoting ethanol and audibly wondering why no one uses turn signals anymore. You've been warned.

*I'm also thinking of re-reading Double Down, which Donald Barthelme's brothers Frederick and Steven wrote together as a collaborative memoir of their shared gambling addiction. It's a downer, but especially eye opening and important for someone in my profession. And by the by, one of my favorite lists of all time is from a McSweeney's article about the eighty-one books Barthelme reccommended to his students. After I get through my A-Z, I may start the Don's.

Status Quo, Hooray!

The Ladies have returned and the order of the universe is restored. At least for a week, then they are off to the other coast to see Grandma. I'm stocking up on hugs in the meantime.

The Obvious Choice

Mom and Pop saw The Dark Knight and loved it. They also had a brilliant idea. The perfect actor to take over the role of Joker from the departed Mr Ledger?

John Luzar.

Don't you concur?

My New Fashion Icon

Just watched Gangs Of New York again. I now have an overwhelming desire to purchase a top hat, waistcoat, and the plaidest possible pants.

And don't think I won't grow the mustache too.

Best Free Music Ever

For a while now, the best free podcast (possibly best podcast period) I have stumbled across is NPR's All Songs Considered Live Concert series. Thanks to my hero Bob Boilen, I have downloaded entire concerts by some of my favorite acts such as the Hold Steady, the New Pornographers, Spoon, Rilo Kiley, DeVotchKa, The National, The Arcade Fire ... the list keeps going. However, this week, they have absolutely outdone themselves.

Tom Waits.

Check it out!
Also, you can subscribe to the series via iTunes.

Bachelor Partying

The Ladies are off to Maine for a week for Pops's 70th. Baba will be home alone.

Let the Bacchanalia commence!

The Next 26 Books I Read

I've been having a great deal of trouble deciding what next to read. Things keep being added to my book 'queue' and I haven't been able to pick where to start. So, I've fallen back on the oldest organisational system known to the Phoenicians: alphabetizing. Picking one book for each letter by author, here are the next twenty-six books I intend to read.

Or rather, the next twenty-two - I've been having difficulty coming up with anything appealing for U, X, Y, and Z. Any suggestions? Otherwise I'll be plowing through the autobiographies of Xeno and Brian Urlacher.

1. The Music Of Chance, Paul Auster
2. Paradise, Donald Barthelme*
3. Tell No One, Harlan Coben
   
4. Little Brother, Cory Doctorow
5. Strange Killings, Warren Ellis
   
6. The Hippopotamus, Stephen Fry
   
7. Pattern Recognition, William Gibson
   
8. The Elementary Particles, Michel Houellebecq
9. The Transfiguration Of Benno Blimpie, Albert Innaurato
   
10. No One Belongs Here More Than You, Miranda July
    
11. 4.48 Psychosis, Sarah Kane
    
12. Moneyball, Michael Lewis
    
13. Lamb, Christopher Moore
    
14. Ada, Vladimir Nabokov
15. Days Of Awe, Achy Obejas
    
16. V., Thomas Pynchon
    
17. Fortress Besieged, Zhongshu Qian
    
18. The Wu-Tang Manual: Enter The 36 Chambers, Vol. 1, The RZA
    
19. Soft Power, Matt Segur
20. Ashtrays, Lukas Tomin
21. ?
    
22. Rising Up, Rising Down, William T. Vollman
    
23. The Stone Gods, Jeanette Winterson
24. ?
25. ?
26. ?
    

*bizarrely, 'B' was probably the most difficult letter upon which to make a decision. Contenders included Storm Front by Jim Butcher, The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano, Playing Shakespeare by John Barton, The Empty Space by Peter Brook, The Collected Ambrose Bierce, Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett, The Dispossessed by John Berryman, What Should I Do With My Life? by Po Bronson, Mother Courage And Her Children by Bertolt Brecht, and Post Office by Charles Bukowski. 'S' also put up a good fight: Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson, The Coast Of Utopia Trilogy by Tom Stoppard, Pericles by William Shakespeare, Buried Child by Sam Shepard, and Maus I & II by Art Spiegelman. And hey, I can't guarantee I won't stray from the path here and there. Maybe I'll get to a few letters and linger. I'm not known for my regimentality anyway.

Bubbies

I'm not much of a 'product endorsment' kind of guy, usually, but if you happen to be in the grocery store, and the thought crosses your mind that sometime, someday in the future, perhaps late at night, perhaps in the middle of the afternoon, perhaps in a box with a fox, rockin' out with your stock portfolios out, you feel you might enjoy some type of sustenance, some type of flavorful 'snack', if you will, you should know that it is all about Bubbies Bread & Butter Chips Pickles. They are goddamn delicious.

Two Grand Openings - The M.O.A.B. and John Luzar's Head!

It's been slightly more than a week since my last post and in that time my new casino has opened and my best friend was hit by a car.

So many of you know my favorite actor John Luzar. He's sitting in a Starbucks on the north side, reading a book and listening to music when bang, he's across the room with a painting on his head. Apparently there were no more places in the parking lot and a fifty-nine-year-old broad decided to plow her Lexus through the front window of the joint and park inside. Johnboy was taken to the hospital where they stapled his head shut and slapped some ointment on the huge bearclaw shaped gashes on his neck. At last report, he still remembered his name, his birthday, and the name of every Paul Weller record in chronological order. Articles and photos of this absurd event can be found here and here. You can also find out how John's feelings correspond to song lyrics here.

Meanwhile I got to work a fourteen hour day yesterday as we opened the doors to our brand new $585 million casino, the Horseshoe M.O.A.B., or "Mother Of All Boats" (which, according to able bodied seamen Dan Stearns no longer qualifies as a boat but is technically a barge, and this means the coast guard does not require us to employ as many maritime officials. This is not relevant information but allowed me to refer to Dan Stearns as an able bodied seamen.)

The new place is, in a word, grand. If you never made it out to see me at the Horseshoe before, then the exact leap in grandeur will be lost on you. Imagine playing tag football on the midway one day and then showing up at the Super Bowl the next. Our old boat was fine, and in fact nicer than many in the area, but the new place is something Chicago has not had before: a real, Vegas-style casino. I'm not generally a shill for my company, and in fact I don't encourage my friends to gamble or dive into the casino lifestyle, but I will say that I am very impressed with the new place and you should all come check it out.

So that's what's been going on in the last week. I did promise Drew that I would get up a post with more on Batman, and I still might get to that, and also I have some more lists. But for now, as I say to all my casino guests, so long suckers!

Somebody Broke My New Boat

For those of you gamblers, let me just say: Chicagoland's Premiere Gaming Destination is about to get even premierier! That's right, August 8th 2008 (080808 - maybe you've seen the billboards), we will be opening our brand new, gigantic Mother Of All Boats (M.O.A.B.).

At least, we hope to. This morning we had a minor setback when our main entrance kind of ... collapsed. Here's an article from the NWI Times.

In actuality, I'm sure our grand opening on the 8th won't be delayed, but our soft opening on Saturday might get pushed back a wee bit.

I'm pretty excited, really - I haven't been on board the new boat yet and I'm looking forward to it. From what I've heard, it's bordering on Vegas-style opulence. No Chihuly ceilings or roller coasters on the roof, but opulent nonetheless. Plus we'll finally have an entertainment venue (creatively dubbed The Venue) and will soon be featuring such still-relevant performers as Bette Midler, Jay Leno, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Stone Temple Pilots, and Liza Minelli.

But enough about that. The important thing is that the boat broke and I got to come home at noon. Woo hoo!

The Dark Knight IMAXified

It is awesome.

I will collect my thoughts and discuss it more in detail later, but for now, know this:

It is awesome.

My Hippy Shoes Have Arrived!

My brand new Simple Shoes have arrived. They are made of hemp, organic cotton, recycled plastics and, most awesomely, recycled car tires. The soles still have tire treads on them. (Mine are "cub", which apparently to the Simple folk means tan, not blue and red.)

Most Favored Nations

Keeping up the lists, here's one Ann Marie and I worked up a few years ago. I sent to McSweeney's a while back. Ms Lonsdale suggested I put it up here.

Countries Named After Myself And Friends:

• Ann Mariethiopia
• Elizabithuania
• The Seanited Arab Emirates
• Chad

Some others that didn't make the McSweeney submission:

• Brystonia
• Lundonesia
• HANTarctica
  
• Argentima Bassiri
• Jack Tambabwe
• Malawi MacBride
• Saudi Booth Coleman
  
• Jon Ryan Quinnsylvania

I'm sure there were others, and there will certainly be more. Feel free to throw in more.

Feelin' Odd in the Neighborhood

There's some goings-on in Hyde Park, but sadly, your local casino supervisor is not in touch enough to know exactly what. This morning while walking my dog I came down Greenwood to find a bevy of what could only be Secret Service (who else has that combination of SUVs, sunglasses, and those ear piece things?) hanging around, along with one camera crew that did not appear to be associated with any press. I assume this event to be Obama-related. Then coming home from the bar around midnight, I drove down Woodlawn past Minister Farrakhan's house and there were about thirty dudes seemingly standing guard around the fence. And not uniformed security, like the private security car that is absolutely always there; these guys just looked like a bevy of concerned but uncertain citizens trying their best to look like bouncers. And I'm shamed to admit, as an awkward white guy playing loud hip-hop in my Buick as I drove by, I didn't feel comfortable stopping to ask what was going on.

I imagine both events are unrelated, but it did strike home the idea that I live in a neighborhood full of influential people. Kind of fun to think that in a few months I might be able to say I live in the President's neighborhood.

Not Too Early To Start Shopping

I know everyone has been having the same anxieties lately. The economy is in shambles, gas prices are skyrocketing, and, weighing heaviest on everyone's minds, Sean's 30th birthday is only two months away - what on Earth does he want for a present? Fortunately, I want lots of things, and on top of that I just love presents, so anything you wrap and slap a bow on will delight me, I'm sure. But just in case you are completely stumped, I have compiled a wish list. Here it is, thirty things I would like for my birthday, in order of attainability from easily acquired to nearly Herculean labor.

1. sausages (chicken apple or pork andouille)
   
2. a mix cd
3. socks, silly or straight
   
4. Old Rasputin Imperial Stout
5. Trapper Keeper
   
6. gift card to Chipotle
7. a picture of me, drawn by you
8. Dogfish Head Red & White
9. pair of sunglasses
10. a tie clip
11. pants, preferably plaid, checkered or bell bottomed
12. a night out at Duke Of Perth
13. a pipe
14. Tom Waits' Rain Dogs on vinyl
15. a sportcoat (green, brown corduroy, or tweed)
16. Talisker 10-Year
17. a porkpie hat
    
18. Laphroaig 10-Year Cask Strength
19. Special Topics In Calamity Physics, Marisha Pessl (1st Edition)
20. Davidoff Aniversario #2 cigars
    
21. ostrich leather watch band
22. Suntory Yamazaki 18-Year Single-Malt
23. Pnin, Vladimir Nabokov (1st Edition)
24. Johnny Walker Blue Label
25. Jack Stack Barbecue
26. Three Floyds Dark Lord
27. iPhone
28. George T. Stagg bourbon
29. Toyota Prius
    
30. my old cat Pirate Cat

That should be enough to get everyone started. Good luck!