Things That Don't Exist ... Yet

The thing I am now most anxiously awaiting more than anything in the world is tentatively due in 2011. It is a book of magic by Alan Moore, author of Watchmen, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, V For Vendetta, and many other mind-blowing comic books that have been turned into mediocre movies (that's a little unfair to Watchmen which opens a week from tomorrow, but cannot possibly succeed on the level of the graphic novel.) The book is called The Moon And Serpent Bumper Book Of Magic. Moore says about it, "We want to make this not only a perfectly lucid and accurate book about magic, but we really want to make it a book about magic that would not disappoint an 8-year-old child if they came across it. Back when I was a child and I first heard about magic, then I kind of knew instinctively what a book of magic would be. It would be unimaginably wonderful. It would have fantastic things in it. It would be much better than the children's comics annuals I got at Christmas, and they were pretty wonderful. That is very much what we've tried to achieve."(From Wired)

I am chomping at the bit for this book. Having to wait two years is mind-bogglingly frustrating to me. If one of you could make it appear now, I would indenture myself to your servitude.

An advance copy of this book has made my list of things I most covet that I know do not exist. Chief amongst these items:

• An episode of The Muppet Show, fourth or fifth season, hosted by Tom Waits, in which he performs the songs "Whistling Past The Graveyard" and "Monster Mash"
• a Kindle that can read .cbr files (comic books) and display them in color. It also needs reasonable wi-fi capabilities.
  
• a sizable high school marching band, preferably from a midwestern parocial school, performing Eric Clapton's "Cocaine"
• A complete set of the works of Shakespeare, published individually by McSweeney's
• knowledge of a secret entrance to the classical underworld, such as was used by Orpheus, provided the underworld resembles the one featured in the book Greek Myths by Ingri and Edgar Parin d'Aulaire
  
• anything made of an adamantium/vibranium alloy
• Ambrose Bierce's diary
  
• Vince McMahon's conscience
  
• a clone of my old dog Betty

Should you happen across any of these things at your local flea market, go ahead and pick it up. I will reimburse you.