Chick Magnet

Under the Sean Michael Henrian calendar (which the United States should be adopting any day now), today would be Christmas Eve. But for the time being, February 27th will have to be content to be the birthday of one Mr John Luzar of Chicago, Illinois.

Being John's birthday, I got to join in the indulgences of a meal at Hot Doug's (where I had a pork sausage with pear and almonds and a duck sausage topped with foie gras. Yes that's right, foie gras. God bless Hot Doug.) and a chocolate malt at the Medici. Daisy joined us for the malts (though she had an ice cream cone, consumed with a degree of intensity and focus not seen outside of grand master chess tournaments) and the opening of presents.

I'm particularly proud of John's presents this year. The theme was "adorable villainy". Daisy picked out a wind-up bunny rabbit toy that, while not particularly villainous, did some pretty wicked backflips. I gave John first a ridiculously cute action figure of Doctor Doom (Marvel MIGHTY MUGGS) and the coup de grâce, a print of a painting by Brandon Bird entitled "Sir Ian". Words cannot possibly do this painting justice.

Anyway, a lovely day, and to top it off, there will be beer later. So thanks John for getting older and giving me a reason to get fatter, and thanks for being the swellest of best friends, and the only person I know who would enjoy that painting as much as I do.

Things That Don't Exist ... Yet

The thing I am now most anxiously awaiting more than anything in the world is tentatively due in 2011. It is a book of magic by Alan Moore, author of Watchmen, The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, V For Vendetta, and many other mind-blowing comic books that have been turned into mediocre movies (that's a little unfair to Watchmen which opens a week from tomorrow, but cannot possibly succeed on the level of the graphic novel.) The book is called The Moon And Serpent Bumper Book Of Magic. Moore says about it, "We want to make this not only a perfectly lucid and accurate book about magic, but we really want to make it a book about magic that would not disappoint an 8-year-old child if they came across it. Back when I was a child and I first heard about magic, then I kind of knew instinctively what a book of magic would be. It would be unimaginably wonderful. It would have fantastic things in it. It would be much better than the children's comics annuals I got at Christmas, and they were pretty wonderful. That is very much what we've tried to achieve."(From Wired)

I am chomping at the bit for this book. Having to wait two years is mind-bogglingly frustrating to me. If one of you could make it appear now, I would indenture myself to your servitude.

An advance copy of this book has made my list of things I most covet that I know do not exist. Chief amongst these items:

• An episode of The Muppet Show, fourth or fifth season, hosted by Tom Waits, in which he performs the songs "Whistling Past The Graveyard" and "Monster Mash"
• a Kindle that can read .cbr files (comic books) and display them in color. It also needs reasonable wi-fi capabilities.
  
• a sizable high school marching band, preferably from a midwestern parocial school, performing Eric Clapton's "Cocaine"
• A complete set of the works of Shakespeare, published individually by McSweeney's
• knowledge of a secret entrance to the classical underworld, such as was used by Orpheus, provided the underworld resembles the one featured in the book Greek Myths by Ingri and Edgar Parin d'Aulaire
  
• anything made of an adamantium/vibranium alloy
• Ambrose Bierce's diary
  
• Vince McMahon's conscience
  
• a clone of my old dog Betty

Should you happen across any of these things at your local flea market, go ahead and pick it up. I will reimburse you.

Talk Derby To Me!*

It is a lovely Friday afternoon here in Chicago. Though this morning was wretchedly cold, the sun came up and boosted things to a tolerable 27 degrees. Daisy has been consumed with thoughts of springtime and sunshine and swinging in the park these past few days, so we stopped by our favorite playground after school today. Reality trumped fantasy, however, and once we'd made it through the gate, I heard a tiny voice say "Baba, I am cold." So we went home. We did make it to the bakery for a scoop of chocolate ice cream and a coffee for me. For those of you expatriate Hyde Parkers, let me tell you: Med coffee has gotten worse. It was never fantastic ... inconsistently decent, is probably the nicest thing I can say ... but now it out-and-out sucks. Which is a shame, and will be even moreso come summer, as it is so conveniently located across from the playground, and the pastries are great. But we've got two Starbucks and, more importantly, two Cafe Istrias, so we shan't be wanting for coffee. I just wish we had a Peets.

Tonight I am cooking some buffalo burgers and then running off to the roller derby! The Windy City Rollers have a show tonight at the UIC pavilion and Herr Doktor John Luzar and I are very excited to get our fill of estrogenal mayhem. My only worry is that some Xena-esque fraulein will choose me for her mate, club me over the head, drag me back to the cave, and I will be too in love to go back to work. I will stay home, washing dishes, baking cookies, and sharpening her shoulder pad spikes. *sigh*

*that pun blatantly stolen from The WCR website, but too good to pass up

26 Books Update

I have fallen a bit behind schedule in my reading lately, but have still been chugging along with my alphabetical plan. Since July, I have been at it (the original list is here), and here is what I have read.

• The Music Of Chance, Paul Auster: A fine novel, and a good way to ease myself into reading novels with some semblance of substance
  
• Paradise, Donald Barthelme: Very funny, insightful, if ultimately slight.
  
• A good portion of Sixty Stories by Barthelme, most of which I enjoyed more than Paradise
  
• Storm Front, Jim Butcher, which was awful. It's the first book in a series that I find staggering anyone wanted to read more of. Also I'm offended that it's set in Chicago despite the author clearly never having set foot within the city limits.
  
• Tell No One, Harlan Coben: Only slightly better than the Butcher book. To be fair, I didn't expect great things from either one, but in Butcher's case, I didn't think competence was too much to ask.
  
• Crooked Little Vein, Warren Ellis: Warren writes wonderful comic books. He has many fantastic ideas. He is a brilliant, fascinating man. His prose leaves a great deal to be desired, and scatological humor is not really so much my thing. On the whole, good geeky fun.
• Little Brother, Cory Doctorow: Probably the best thing I've read in the last six months, save some of the Barthelme shorts. Really great commentary on technology and civil and human rights, aimed at a sophisticated but impressionable young adult audience. I recommend this book to everyone.
• Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson: Something I'd picked up and put down more than once, but after reading the Doctorow, it just seemed a perfect follow up. Very enjoyable and probably the fastest I've ever made it through a 900+ pagecount.
• Pattern Recognition, William Gibson: Once I started down the geek-lit path it was too hard to turn around. This was my first Gibson novel and certainly won't be my last. I imagine I'll read either Spook Country or Neuromancer before too long.
• Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson: Hard to believe that this book is over fifteen years old now and the internet has certainly evolved, though not in the ways predicted here. Still, a fun time. I did get a little maxed out on the cyberpunk though, so moving back to the alphabet . . .
  
• And Then We Came To The End, Joshua Ferris: Wonderful book. Very funny, very touching.
• No One Belongs Here More Than You, Miranda July: Lovely stories. I do have a tendency toward male authors and am always taken aback and a bit embarassed that I don't spend more time reading women's works and basically considering the experience outside myself. So I feel reading July is both pleasant and healthy.
• Three Signs Of A Miserable Job, Patrick Lencioni: I had to read this for work. It was homework. I can't talk about without sounding like it was a terrible experience, but honestly, reading it meant nothing to me except it took up some time.
• Dune, Frank Herbert: Just started it today.

So that's my reading from the last eight months. I've made it A-H, with jumps ahead to J, L & S. I think I will try to follow Dune with either some Ibsen or that Innaurato play I'd originally planned on, but right now those both sound like dreary prospects. I also think I may dump Sarah Kane in favor of Robert Kirkman's Invincible or The Walking Dead (or both!). And then with luck, by July I'll have made it to 'S' and be ready for my next syllabus: A year of reading Shakespeare!

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

This has been driving me nuts for weeks. I had the phrase in my head, but could not, for the life of me, remember what it was supposed to be mnemonically reminding me.

I'd Buy You A Green Dress

I was discussing yesterday what I would do in the unlikely event of a massive windfall of cash into my life. A friend asked if I went to a casino and won $100,000, would I quit my job, and with very little thought I decided, yes, I certainly would, and would most likely go to graduate school. Not particularly grand plans, but $100,000 is not really that much money. However, if I were to find, say, $10,000,000 in my lap? That's a different story.

Obviously, setting up a new standard of living for myself, and Heidi and Daisy, and Mom and Dad too, is a priority. And taking care of Daisy's education, from now till college, is on the agenda as well. But honestly, if I wake up with $10,000,000 in my bank account, the first thing I am doing is going out and buying myself an elephant. I will buy an elephant, I will buy some place to put my elephant, I will pay someone to take care of my elephant when I'm not around, and I will buy a saddle and ride that elephant all around.

And then, after the elephant, I'm finding a nice small town with a good sense of humor (someplace like Munster, IN, but consistently warmer) and running for mayor. Or I might found my own town and probably name it after a celebrity, like Burgess Meredith, KY, or 2Pac, MO.

So years from now, you'll be on an airplane and pick up the in-flight magazine (because you forgot your Jodi Picoult novel - for shame!) and flip through looking for the drink specials to see if they still have ginger ale and bam! there's a human interest story on one of the most absurd and pleasant citizens of the midwest, the elephant-riding mayor of Tupac, Missouri, and you'll know I've made it.

I'll Have What She's Having

Baba: Sweetheart, what would you like for breakfast?
Daisy: Money!