California Bound!

Off to Los Angeles first thing tomorrow morning for a belated Christmas/punctual New Years with Mom and Dad and Grandpa. Much as I hate to leave Chicago behind ...

Los Angeles, CA
Current: Clear
Wind: N at 0 mph
Humidity: 69%

Tue

74°F | 52°F

Wed

67°F | 52°F

Thu

67°F | 52°F

Pink Christmas

Christmas has come and gone. The tree is still up and I still have carols stuck in my head ("Four calling birds, three French hens ..."), but the holiday is definitely over. The presents are open. The rain washed away the snow. It's time to replace the mantra of "Merry Christmas" with "Happy New Year." (Side note: though I am no War On Christmas paranoid Rush O'Hannity nutjob, I do say "Merry Christmas" not "Happy Holidays". Actually, this year I found myself, and a number of my other friends, popping an occasional Anglophilial "Happy Christmas". I know not why.) But before we shuffle into 2009, a Christmas recap from the Henry/Coleman household.

This was certainly the pinkest Christmas of my life. Heidi does not lack for feminity, but even she is taken aback by Daisy's overwhelming girliness in regard to color. Everything must be pink. A hint of purple here and there is acceptable, but pink must dominate. Her Christmas haul included a pink princess scooter, a pink bunny bike helmet, a pink Sleeping Beauty dress, a sparkling pink magic wand, a pink Hello Kitty doll, and a dollhouse (which isn't pink, but might be by the end of this year just from atmospheric conditions in the apartment. There is a wonderful slideshow on Heidi's blog for those who want proof.

The holiday itself was lovely. Heidi's mother Jackie ("Grandma") came to visit. Christmas morning we opened presents, then had some crabcakes for lunch, after which we were joined by Chicago's finest working actor John Luzar for more presents and a trip to the Garfield Conservatory, a lovely patch of nature I had never before visited but hope to see soon again. Christmas dinner was a brilliant feast of cassoulet with kielbasa, pork, chicken thighs, and bacon. I was thoroughly stuffed equal parts meat and holiday cheer.

I am a little sad to have Christmas gone so quickly (though I do get Second Christmas in two days - Wednesday I'm flying out to LA to see Mom, Pop and my grandpa Joe, who is 92.) But it was pretty wonderful to get to play Santa Claus. Daisy has been giddy with anticipation since before Christmas, and at last the day came and I don't think it was disappointing in the least.

To close, here is (what else?) some Japanese girls singing "Pink Christmas." God I love YouTube.

Daisy, On Etiquette

"When we drop things, we say 'Shoot!' We don't say 'Dammit'."

Christmas Vacation!/Justice League Christmas

I am done with work until after Christmas! Hooray for Christmas Vacation! (Granted, it's only a three day vacation, but I'll be damned if I don't make the best of it.)

I found this clip on the AV Club blog list of the Least Grating Christmas specials, songs, and traditions. It's pretty fantastic.



Also, here is a clip of Batman singing Hoagy Carmichael. Just trust me on this one.

Grindstone Cowboy

Well I've made it two days back on the grind. The first day was a little rough - I didn't bring adequate supplies to deal with the post-fistulotomy state of affairs and spent the last three hours in a very uncomfortable state. I wasn't able to get an official restriction from the doctor to keep me from having to do anything involving sitting for extended periods of time (I tried, but HR wouldn't let me resume duty with any restrictions at all) but fortunately most of my fellow supervisors are pretty understanding and accommodating when it comes to doling out assignments. Also, it looks like I'll be spending most, if not all, of the next two weeks on the front lines in my dealer garb, so anyone who hasn't seen my spiffy gold vest-and-tie combo, now's your chance.

For those of you not in Chicago, let me just say I envy you immensely. I can't imagine it being as cold anywhere else as it is here right now (-1 degrees, with an official 'wind chill advisory' of twenty to thirty degrees below.) Plus I got stuck in a snowbank as I tried to park and had to call AAA. To their credit, though they left me on hold for over thirty minutes, the towtruck was there in under an hour. Also, AAA has definitely trained their crew in customer service - every time I've spoken with an assistance agent, he or she has made a special effort to express concern for my well being, the frustration I must be experiencing, and a pretty genuine wish that everything works out for the best.

One last note - our most prestigious neighbor appears to have relocated for good. The barricades are down and the police presence is back to five or six patrol cars parked around the House of O. While the convenience of being able to drive on Hyde Park Blvd unrestricted is certainly nice, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed that our days of living in a federally protected gated community are over. It was fun while it lasted.

Oh, by the way, here is a video of what I do at work everyday. Or what I would do if I was a little Filipino fellow, and it was 1986, and the only number that ever rolled was nine.

Evil Elf!

Apparently Daisy is auditioning for The Omen IV: Santa's Little Helper

A Christmas Favorite

The interplay between Bing and Bowie is weird - it should seem a little forced, since the jokes are corny and clearly paced for a laughtrack, but the two guys just seem really genuine despite the dialogue that's been written for them. And once they start singing, I think irony is completely banished from the world. I really love this song.

Good Times! (Psyke.)

"I went to bed with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair ..." So begins Judith Viorst's Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I used this book as my very first audition monologue for my very first professional audition back in ... christ, 1991? Anyway, I'd not read it for years, not until tonight when Daisy pulled it off the shelf as one of the books she wanted me to read before bedtime.

Today was not Terrible, Horrible, or Very Bad, but I think I would definitely plug it in the 'No Good' column. First off, I had to go back to work today. That set me off on a nervous foot. But I got it together and out the door, drove to Hammond in the early part of what would end up being the first real snowstorm of this winter, and presented my doctor's note to human resources stating I was cleared to return to duty. Except ... I'm not cleared. See, I asked the doc to put in a restriction that I not be forced to sit for periods greater than one hour. (The bum - she is so very tender, you see.) Well apparently, HR can't allow me to return with a restriction without clearance from the department head and blah blah blah Sean go home. I spoke with the doctor's nurse to get an amended note sent in, but as of 4:00 pm, HR hadn't received it.

So I'm pretty disheartened - I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about getting back to the grind, but my sick leave pay ran out a day and a half ago and I need the hours. Meanwhile, as the snow continues to accumulate, my car has gone from making an unpleasant noise to making an unpleasant noise and wobbling and riding uncharacteristically turbulently. I stop at the BP, check the tires (which are all oddly low), fill up with air, and get back on the road to little improvement. So with an unexpected day off, I head for the auto shop.

Guess who needs two new spindles? And of course, it won't be ready until sometime tomorrow (I guess later today - it's quarter of 3 am as I write this.) But good thing I brought it in, because apparently my if those things broke, bad things happen.

So now I'm chock full of anxieties - if my doctor gets the note in to HR before I'm scheduled to start, technically, I need to be there and start working. And to get there, I'm going get up buttcrack early to go rent a car, hope the roads are moderately cleared, and stop by HR again to sign papers before I start at 9:20. However, I won't know if the note arrived until HR people show up for work and look in their fax machine ... which probably won't be until about 9:00. So I could very well rent a car, drive to work, and be told to go home again.

But before I get to feeling too bad for myself, I called Mom to check in and discovered that she'd gone and gotten her head shaved today. The first big clumps of hair started coming out last Thursday and she just decided to be rid of it. My dad's in California right now taking a bunch of his special ed kids to Disneyland (from the sound of it, it's not a vacation), so Mom's all by herself right now. Well, Aunt Treb's around, but apparently she had a nasty fall at work and shattered her elbow and just got out of the hospital. Plus she's Aunt Treb, so y'know, cold comfort.

Anyway, on the bright side of things, I look forward to having a car that doesn't make any noises or wobble or have a general air of impending doom. Dad will be checking in on Grandpa tomorrow, which is always a good thing - he's 92 and all by himself in Leisure World, so company is a boon. Mom at least seems to be feeling stronger (though she gets another round of chemo on Thursday.) And it looks like I'll be popping out to Reno for New Year's, so I'll be able to ascertain everyone's health with my own eyes, and maybe do a little song-and-dance routine to boost spirits. Auld Lang Syne, Lawrence Welk style. Or something.

Oh, and Mitch came over for dinner tonight. Besides being one of Daisy absolute FAVORITE people (she bursts into giggles just seeing him), he's a very pleasant chap. Anyway, we were talking stop-motion animation (while watching The Year Without A Santa Claus) and he brought up a clip he'd seen of stop-motion animation done with dice. I don't know if this is the one he saw, but it's one I like:



And since I brought it up ...

Happy Birthday Beethoven

Ludwig van Beethoven, born 16 December 1770

Disappointed And Cold. COLD!

I am inexplicably saddened by the discovery that coffee beans are officially not in the family Leguminosae, and thus, not legumes. Nor are the cocoa or vanilla beans. I used to derive such joy in imagining the kinship of my cup of coffee and bowl of chili. Now they are strangers. So sad.

In other news, it's a balmy 6 degrees in Chicago. I swear the breath fogged as it came out of my mouth and then turned into ice crystals and fell to the ground and shattered. Honest. It's Chuck Jones cartoon cold here. The door of the car was iced shut and I panicked for a moment thinking Daisy and I might freeze solid before I could pry it open. We made it but I think the cold stunned D a bit - when we got to school she was offered a cookie and initially declined. After a few moments of thaw, she reconsidered. Oh, and on the way to school, I think we were passed by the Obamacade, probably on their way back from the gym at Regents. So at least the President is staying warm.

Christmas Card From Tom Waits

Way To Go, Blagoff/So Long, Bettie

I got nothing fresh on the subject, I just wanted to get the word 'Blagoff' into the blogosphere and see how long it takes to meme its way back to me.

In actual news, Bettie Page passed away yesterday. We of the Henry household have long been fans of vintage Playboy and pin-up models, and have always had a special affection for 'Bettys', so this is a very sad day.

So long Bettie. Thanks for the mammaries.
(I tried to resist, honest I did.)

I Am Brilliant!

I keep meaning to share with the world my brilliant pitch for another Comedy Central news show in the vein of The Daily Show and Colbert. Basically, it's a point/counterpoint political discussion and interview show co-hosted by Al Franken and Ben Stein. The two guys are already friends in real life, and have real political credibility (Stein was a Nixon speech writer and Franken might very well be a senator soon.) But really the whole point of the show comes from my spectacularly punny title: The Mind Of Franken/Stein!

Eh? Come on. You're chuckling. Admit it.

Top Ten Records Of 2008

Apparently, it's that time. The AV Club list is up, so that's my cue to chime in.

1. Fate, Dr Dog
2. Dear Science, TV On The Radio
3. Dig!!! Lazarus, Dig!!!, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
4. Stay Positive, The Hold Steady
5. The Bake Sale EP, The Cool Kids
6. Flight Of The Conchords, Flight Of The Conchords
7. Acid Tongue, Jenny Lewis
8. Narrow Stairs, Death Cab For Cutie
9. Vampire Weekend, Vampire Weekend
10. Chinese Democracy, Guns N Roses

As always, there's no accounting for taste. I listened to a lot of great music this year and could easily make a top 20 list, but that just starts to get all-encompassing and takes the fun out. It was a really interesting year too - a lot of bands and artists that I've enjoyed in the past popped up this year with really good new albums: AC/DC, Erykah Badu, Portishead, Metallica, R.E.M., The Magnetic Fields, The GZA, The Breeders, The Tossers ... only the Elvis Costello's Momofuku was really disappointing. Of the nostalgia acts, Guns N Roses was the most exciting for me. I really expected it to be awful and was taken aback by how much I enjoyed it.

Three of my favorite things I listened to this year, I disqualified (mostly to make room on the list for other things): Patton Oswalt's Werewolves & Lollipops (discounted because it's a stand-up record, not music), Nico Muhly's Mothertongue (because it just didn't belong amidst all the pop records) and the NPR concert podcast of Tom Waits' "Glitter & Doom" tour, which is still available for free on iTunes under the NPR: Live Concerts From All Songs Considered Podcast.

Anyway, stay tuned, as I'm sure the Luzar Review will be posting it's annual year-end best-of list soon. And as always, feel free to chime in with a list of your own.

Orders From The Chief

"Baba, you go get some pink kitty boots, ok? Right now."

Needless to say, I did.

Move Over, Christopher Buckley

There's Even A Feather In It

We went to Target yesterday to pick up some necessities (oxyclean, sparkly red shoes, cowboy pajamas) and I finally broke down and bought a hat. A green felt Tom Landry number. I'm pretty pleased with it.

I'm concerned, however, that, in addition to cowboy boots, my J. Peterman topcoat, and the Musketeer facial hair, the hat may be one affectation too many. Nevertheless, I can't bring myself to part with it, or with any of the others, so I believe the only option is to go in the opposite direction and pick up even more borderline ridiculous accessories. Here are some of my current ideas:

• cane
• monocle
• pocket watch
• pipe
• checkered pants
• briefcase (presumably filled with snacks)
• Segway
• spurs
• fez
• eyepatch
• parrot
• bodyguard named Ribeye
• pot-bellied pig

And of course, I'm always open to suggestion.

31 Potential Brides

31 People I Would Marry With Little To No Hesitation:

1. Carla Bruni
   
2. Tina Fey
3. Michelle Obama
4. Jhumpa Lahiri
5. Sarah Vowell
6. Kristin Gore
7. Kristen Bell
8. Marisha Pessl
9. Jenny Lewis
10. Queen Rania Al Abdullah
    
11. Doris Kearns Goodwin
12. Chelsea Clinton
13. Portia De Rossi
    
14. Poppy Z. Brite
15. Isla Fisher
    
16. Neko Case
17. Tina Brown
18. J.K. Rowling
    
19. Marguerite Moreau
20. John Slattery
21. Kelly Link
22. Elizabeth Banks
    
23. Grant Achatz
24. Helen Mirren
25. Leisha Hailey
    
26. Kristen Schaal
27. Stephen Colbert
28. Marjane Satrapi
29. Gabrielle Union
30. Sabrina Lloyd
31. Ellen DeGeneres

Ass Surgery.

I have officially undergone my first real surgery. Last March I had an examination under anesthesia and a non-surgical procedure where a drain was temporarily put in, but it wasn't really a surgery. Today I had the full deal, complete with top notch painkillers and an unexpected shave.

The surgery in question was a procedure called a fistulotomy. Though some of you may think that 'Fistula' sounds like the name of a sexually deviant He-Man villain, it is in fact a medical condition. To use the Wikipedia summation, a fistula is "an abnormal connection or passageway between two epithelium-lined organs or vessels that normally do not connect." They can pop up in sinuses, your brain, lungs, blood vessels, and, yes, the anus. Whee!

So today my dad (generously on loan from the Judi Henry Foundation of Reno, NV) took me to the hospital where I got to surrender my clothes, put on booties and a shower cap, get IV'd and gassed and have my bum tinkered with for a couple of hours. And they didn't even buy me dinner, kids. At least I got some party favors: a sitz bath, five yards of gauze and a prescription for hydrocodone (score!)

I am very grateful to have Dad here. The Henrys have definitely had their fill of hospitals this year, as all three of us have had surgery. At least the dogs made it through 2008 unscathed. Heidi has also been wonderfully supportive and considerate. She got lucky enough to spend the most hectic week of the fall quarter juggling a houseguest, a three-year-old with a fever, and a 30-year-old on painkillers.

And finally I am here to testify that the best medicine in the world is not laughter or penicillin or your love (which, let's be honest, is more like bad medicine), but the smile of my darling Daisy girl. I went from groggy post-anesthesia Baba to alert pre-dance party Baba in a heartbeat as she got home from school. If you do not have a charming young girl who loves princesses and crab rangoons to cheer you up when you are down, comfort you when you are sick or poke your eyelids when you are sleeping, then you, my friend, are missing out.

That's all I got - I'm starting to feel a slight throbbing, which means only one thing: time for more drugs!